Once upon a time, there was born to the world a Man. Not just an ordinary man, but a man to end all men. This man was manlier than all other men who had been borne to the strict confines of this harsh girly marshmallow world. He was born with purpose and his purpose was simple... to re-define manliness through anger, beer, laughter, love, and aftershave lotion. No, not just aftershave lotion, he calls it, "Maftershave lotion...cause it can't just be lotion!! It has to be manly lotion. No, I can't call it 'manly lotion'!! I'm just going to call it maftershave!! I love you too."
It was a cold, crisp day. He spent it as usual, jogging with his favorite running mate. Irony, it seems that his running mate could be called his running mate. At that time, the man, if you could call him that, was a tall, skinny, somewhat athletic semblance of man-like construction. Man wasn't achieved, however, as the manliness hadn't deemed him as a Man. Yet to prove his supreme manliness, he decided to commission him with his manliest blessing to run for President of the United States.
"You really think I'm up for it? I mean, I don't even have chest hair yet..."
"Yes, Barack." said the Man, "Even though you discrace, I tell you I will have your back if you run for President."
"But why?" Barack quivered?
"Because I'm the Man... and you are now too."
January 2oth, 2009. Barack becomes President. The man smiles. With a mighty roar the testosterone level of the earth increases exponentially. The moon is growing facial hair. Beer is discovered in the oceans in their deepest parts. Farts smell like roses for the first time in history, and 7 out of 100 women become spontaneously pregnant. Babies are born with deep voices and adam's apples. Lobsters accept their fates with a smile. Ants construct monuments to the man, and 2 out of 5 Frenchmen grow a pair, but then die fiery race crash-like deaths due to their overconfidence and over-passion for life. Another irony.
The story goes on, but the story DOES go on...
I have no words!
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