Well, hello there. It's so nice to see you. Oh me? Well, I just thought we'd have a nice conversation.
So.... what would you like to talk about?
Oh? Really? Yes, that's fine. No, I enjoy olives with hollandaise sauce too.
She said your hair looks whack? Maybe if you didn't mat your nappy hair-fro you wouldn't be getting static from the cowards.
Do you think Barack Obama has a nice face? Oh, I suppose I do too. He seems so young, yet fiercesome at the same time. No, I didn't vote for him. Well, shame on you too.
The airspeed velocity of an unladed swallow.... do you mean African or European?
Ok, ok, ok! Enough with the questions... I feel like you're smothering me. No, no, it's ok I still enjoy your company. Oh now, come on I'll make you a ham and cheese sandwich. You're allergic to ham? I didn't know that was possible. How about just a grilled cheese sandwich? Ok, that works fine with me.
So what do you do for a living anyway? Livestock plumbing analyst? What does that entail? Lots of poop... oh... I guess I should have guessed. Ha ha, yep I bet it is a crappy job sometimes. Ohh.. chuckle.
Well, here's your grilled cheese sandwich. What am I having? Oh I just put in some leftover hummus and curry chicken from last night's annual Indian Appreciation dinner at church. Yes, Rakshid is doing fine. Yep, still working for Dell from home.
Oh man, look at the time! I just became a bowling referee and there's a tournament I have to officiate for the Geriatrics for Bowling club. It was great talking with you too! Yes, you can just lock up whenever you're done. No, please don't use my phone. No, please stop crying! No, don't bend over in the fetal position on the ground. No, I do love you, just as a friend. I do appreciate the beauty in humanity! Yes, I am sympathetic towards vegetarians! I really must go now, we can talk later.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Oh You Want to Read This... read it!!
Once upon a time, there was born to the world a Man. Not just an ordinary man, but a man to end all men. This man was manlier than all other men who had been borne to the strict confines of this harsh girly marshmallow world. He was born with purpose and his purpose was simple... to re-define manliness through anger, beer, laughter, love, and aftershave lotion. No, not just aftershave lotion, he calls it, "Maftershave lotion...cause it can't just be lotion!! It has to be manly lotion. No, I can't call it 'manly lotion'!! I'm just going to call it maftershave!! I love you too."
It was a cold, crisp day. He spent it as usual, jogging with his favorite running mate. Irony, it seems that his running mate could be called his running mate. At that time, the man, if you could call him that, was a tall, skinny, somewhat athletic semblance of man-like construction. Man wasn't achieved, however, as the manliness hadn't deemed him as a Man. Yet to prove his supreme manliness, he decided to commission him with his manliest blessing to run for President of the United States.
"You really think I'm up for it? I mean, I don't even have chest hair yet..."
"Yes, Barack." said the Man, "Even though you discrace, I tell you I will have your back if you run for President."
"But why?" Barack quivered?
"Because I'm the Man... and you are now too."
January 2oth, 2009. Barack becomes President. The man smiles. With a mighty roar the testosterone level of the earth increases exponentially. The moon is growing facial hair. Beer is discovered in the oceans in their deepest parts. Farts smell like roses for the first time in history, and 7 out of 100 women become spontaneously pregnant. Babies are born with deep voices and adam's apples. Lobsters accept their fates with a smile. Ants construct monuments to the man, and 2 out of 5 Frenchmen grow a pair, but then die fiery race crash-like deaths due to their overconfidence and over-passion for life. Another irony.
The story goes on, but the story DOES go on...
It was a cold, crisp day. He spent it as usual, jogging with his favorite running mate. Irony, it seems that his running mate could be called his running mate. At that time, the man, if you could call him that, was a tall, skinny, somewhat athletic semblance of man-like construction. Man wasn't achieved, however, as the manliness hadn't deemed him as a Man. Yet to prove his supreme manliness, he decided to commission him with his manliest blessing to run for President of the United States.
"You really think I'm up for it? I mean, I don't even have chest hair yet..."
"Yes, Barack." said the Man, "Even though you discrace, I tell you I will have your back if you run for President."
"But why?" Barack quivered?
"Because I'm the Man... and you are now too."
January 2oth, 2009. Barack becomes President. The man smiles. With a mighty roar the testosterone level of the earth increases exponentially. The moon is growing facial hair. Beer is discovered in the oceans in their deepest parts. Farts smell like roses for the first time in history, and 7 out of 100 women become spontaneously pregnant. Babies are born with deep voices and adam's apples. Lobsters accept their fates with a smile. Ants construct monuments to the man, and 2 out of 5 Frenchmen grow a pair, but then die fiery race crash-like deaths due to their overconfidence and over-passion for life. Another irony.
The story goes on, but the story DOES go on...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Snow People
There is a race of human beingishes that science has arrogantly overlooked. They are the sorts of creatures who invite mystery and general confusion to the human psyche should one ponder their existence. For milennia they have wandered the globe, restless for new places to explore and lay their heads. They form long lines at bus stops. They have no homes. They have no cars. They carry no cash, but only that which can fit on their heads, shoulders, knees, and toes. They have a surly disposition and can frighten children with a glance. They are ugly to look at because their faces are misshapen and engender unsightly moustaches with bits of cheese embedded in them.
Ok, granted that last sentence was a stereotype. Let me just take this moment, before I continue, to apologize to any who might read this and become offended. I realize that most of what I will say on the "Snow People" are generalities and that people in this day and age do not like generalities. For example, some people could become offended if I portrayed common asianic speech like this: "Ohh herrow!! Heoh ret me get you a hot borw of flied lice and sweet souw pohk!" Understandable. But let me be clear. I have no, I say again, NO intentions of offending anybody or portraying snow people in less than a factual light.
It appears that snow people have gathered in Spokane, Washington. The most you'll ever see of them is when they're standing next to bus stops waiting to migrate. Yes, migrate. Snow people have no other means of transportation, so they are forced to use public transportation to move their families to wherever the herd of whatever they eat has moved to. Not much is known about their diets in the wild, however thanks to modernization and the popularity of fast food, it is not uncommon to catch a snow person waiting in line for a bus holding a filet o' fish sandwich from McDonalds.
What do snow people look like? The most accurate description of an ethnic people group most closely resembling the snow people came from a youngster in Oildale, California. He writes, "I went to Spokane and saw these strange weird snow people, and I thought they looked just like my cousin!" Let me clarify what this young man was trying to say. He was saying that snow people look like white trash.
Are snow people dangerous? Yes! Very! If you drive by a bus stop and happen upon a family of snow people, lock your doors, hide your children, and don't let them see any fast food in your car. In certain states it is legal to shoot snow people in self defense. If it is determined that no attack was in progress and you just shot the snow person because you were scared, that's ok too.
What language to snow people speak? Scientists are puzzled at this. I decided to take matters into my own hands one day so I went to G.I. Joes, the military surplus store, and A.J.'s gunshop to load up on equipment. I showed up to a busy bus stop and found a small group of snow people waiting for the 5'oclock to help them migrate. Even though I was completely armored up from head to toe with a combination of baseball, football, and military protective gear, they still managed to unnerve the fibers of my being with their hostile primordial man-eating blood thirsty bus-waiting glances, which only one with a trained eye could discern. I probably overreacted when I shot one of them with a .357 magnum revolver, but it looked at me quizzically and I panicked. Snow people are used to this anyway. After I took 5 minutes to drink some gatorade and reload my gun (I somehow managed to shoot it 6 times) I found the courage to walk up to one and start a conversation. Here's what it sounded like..
Me: "Hello"
SP: "Huh?"
Me: "What is your name?"
::long pause::
SP: "Bill."
Me: "I see. Are you hungry?"
::long pause::
SP: (deep gutteral growls)
Me: "I have a filet o' fish in my pocket. Would you like it?"
SP: "Ngghuah Mueahaha! Slobedamba decoomphtah!!!" (This is what their language sounds like)
That's about when I dropped the sandwich and ran away for a very very long time. Although it was a short conversation it did prove that snow people have adapted to speaking a form of English.
I've included a few photos of snow people as they may appear waiting at the bus stop as well as what they look like in their natural habitat.
I snuck up on these two snow people waiting for their "metro migrator."
A rare "loner" snow person. Very dangerous. Who knows whats in his "suitcase"?
Snow People in their natural habitat. Photo taken 10 years ago.
Ok, granted that last sentence was a stereotype. Let me just take this moment, before I continue, to apologize to any who might read this and become offended. I realize that most of what I will say on the "Snow People" are generalities and that people in this day and age do not like generalities. For example, some people could become offended if I portrayed common asianic speech like this: "Ohh herrow!! Heoh ret me get you a hot borw of flied lice and sweet souw pohk!" Understandable. But let me be clear. I have no, I say again, NO intentions of offending anybody or portraying snow people in less than a factual light.
It appears that snow people have gathered in Spokane, Washington. The most you'll ever see of them is when they're standing next to bus stops waiting to migrate. Yes, migrate. Snow people have no other means of transportation, so they are forced to use public transportation to move their families to wherever the herd of whatever they eat has moved to. Not much is known about their diets in the wild, however thanks to modernization and the popularity of fast food, it is not uncommon to catch a snow person waiting in line for a bus holding a filet o' fish sandwich from McDonalds.
What do snow people look like? The most accurate description of an ethnic people group most closely resembling the snow people came from a youngster in Oildale, California. He writes, "I went to Spokane and saw these strange weird snow people, and I thought they looked just like my cousin!" Let me clarify what this young man was trying to say. He was saying that snow people look like white trash.
Are snow people dangerous? Yes! Very! If you drive by a bus stop and happen upon a family of snow people, lock your doors, hide your children, and don't let them see any fast food in your car. In certain states it is legal to shoot snow people in self defense. If it is determined that no attack was in progress and you just shot the snow person because you were scared, that's ok too.
What language to snow people speak? Scientists are puzzled at this. I decided to take matters into my own hands one day so I went to G.I. Joes, the military surplus store, and A.J.'s gunshop to load up on equipment. I showed up to a busy bus stop and found a small group of snow people waiting for the 5'oclock to help them migrate. Even though I was completely armored up from head to toe with a combination of baseball, football, and military protective gear, they still managed to unnerve the fibers of my being with their hostile primordial man-eating blood thirsty bus-waiting glances, which only one with a trained eye could discern. I probably overreacted when I shot one of them with a .357 magnum revolver, but it looked at me quizzically and I panicked. Snow people are used to this anyway. After I took 5 minutes to drink some gatorade and reload my gun (I somehow managed to shoot it 6 times) I found the courage to walk up to one and start a conversation. Here's what it sounded like..
Me: "Hello"
SP: "Huh?"
Me: "What is your name?"
::long pause::
SP: "Bill."
Me: "I see. Are you hungry?"
::long pause::
SP: (deep gutteral growls)
Me: "I have a filet o' fish in my pocket. Would you like it?"
SP: "Ngghuah Mueahaha! Slobedamba decoomphtah!!!" (This is what their language sounds like)
That's about when I dropped the sandwich and ran away for a very very long time. Although it was a short conversation it did prove that snow people have adapted to speaking a form of English.
I've included a few photos of snow people as they may appear waiting at the bus stop as well as what they look like in their natural habitat.
I snuck up on these two snow people waiting for their "metro migrator."
A rare "loner" snow person. Very dangerous. Who knows whats in his "suitcase"?
Snow People in their natural habitat. Photo taken 10 years ago.
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